thistle;

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

i've been trying to fall asleep for the past few hours, it is 6:58 am now, and i give up.

thoughts just seem to run through my mind like a kept horse let loose to an open, endless field.

...

the only other reason why i have never been in a relationship before is probably due to my feelings fading as quickly as they arrive. they never stay long enough for it to blossom into something else. maybe because i won't let it, maybe.

but time and experience has shown that i can never quite sustain my feelings for anyone. perhaps it is my way of protecting myself from getting hurt, or maybe it is the promise i made to myself so long ago that i will never let anyone majorly dictate my feelings and emotions.

whatever it is, that little crush almost always remain as just that little crush.

so they tell me that for two people to have mutual feelings for each other is hard to come by at times and therefore something to be cherished; but i ask them - is getting into a relationship necessarily the next and only step? i have seen enough cheating boyfriends and dependent girlfriends to continue having faith in relationships.

whenever i feel that i'm getting too close to someone, i withdraw. maybe i'm a commitment-phobe, and i hate to lose my freedom and independence. i am this close to being cynical and disillusioned in that grand thing called love.

i never want to be in that position where one person holds the key to my emotions - i don't want to cry for anyone, or even to laugh or smile because of anyone. i have experienced it once and it is one time too many. i want to smile for myself, and if i have to cry; to cry for myself.

maybe that is selfish to begin with, but it is so much better to love yourself to the point that, with or without that special someone, your own life is worth living just for your own sake. and when that special someone does come along, it would be a bonus to your already abundant life.

that ocassional crush still pops up now and then, and i still giggle, sigh and gush over the silliest things. yet i know that most of the time it will just remain that-a simple crush.

and even though the infatuation might be fast and fleeting, that is not to say that it was not genuine. every time a crush appears, as silly as that might sound now that i'm already twenty; the feeling is still strong, still intense, still quite crazy.

so till that day when i decide to change my mind, i shall continue with the little crushes here and there. so if you realise i have a crush on Mr. B next week when i was gushing over Mr. A just this week, don't go around calling me a flirt or a bitch, aye (:

icy fingers playing piano on my skin - 6:57 AM