i am more convinced than ever that i am not cut out for motherhood. selfish;lazy;self-centered, whatever; i might be a wife one day, but i doubt the moment will come when i carry a little baby in my hands and coo gently to him to call me 'mommy'.
i don't really know what i'm scared off; i don't know whether i am even scared. but looking at mothers fussing over their newborns; changing diapers, feeding milk, getting all frazzled with hair stuck on their face and changing their whole schedule for a little helpless being who cries all day for a hundred different reasons - just totally puts me off.
i doubt i'll ever find that capacity in me to give my all, and maybe even more than what i am capable of - to another, even if that other is my flesh and blood.
people who want to have kids just so as to have a complete traditional Asian family, or to have someone to rely on in old age; just don't seem right for me. why not save the money which will otherwise be spent on kids for old age, and age gracefully?
maybe right now i'm just a young adult who has dreams and aspirations; who hasn't quite realised everything she wants to; and hence sees having kids as a burden. who knows, maybe one day my biological clock will tick and i'll get all fluttery over a friend's kid, and can't wait to conceive; who's to know what's to come?
but as of now, as i play the role of mother to my younger sister when my parents are busy; the resolution of not wanting kids grows stronger.
bought a 256mb mmc card for only 30$ from the comex fair. heh.
icy fingers playing piano on my skin - 9:45 PM
grace chen
14 october 86
ntu
communication studies
long bus-rides
thinking of the what-ifs
the occasional alcohol
music