somehow i think ive mellowed. no longer the angst-ridden, avirl lavigne and linkin' park-listening teenager prone to very extreme moodswings two years back. not to say that ive matured tremendously, but there is that subtle change, in the little things i do and the little things that matter.
two years back i was this jc student going to school each day, caring about any and everything else except the most important thing. i might even had been a compulsive blogger, blogging every day just for blogging's sake, blogging about almost any and everything, obsessed with the online phenomenon. the onslaught of sars coupled with my falling sick and then spraining my ankle had me missing school on a regular basis and even then, i did no revision on my own. frivolity was my constant companion.
it was not that i was ignorant of my neglect of my studies, i was aware yet indifferent at the same time. its not that i totally gave up-i still tried the little i could do, consulting teachers albeit very last minute, and doing some revision on my own that apparently did not help. even when i walked out of the exam hall after submitting a near blank chemistry paper, i still haboured that slightest spark of hope that somehow, maybe, i would be able to scrape through.
a year plus have passed since, and now in the third year of my junior college life, things that mattered back then didnt matter that much anymore. no longer am i interested to know everybody or be friends with everybody. no longer, also, am i interested to prance around in the canteen saying hi to friends and acquaintances alike, talking and giggling about everything other than the most important thing. no longer, too, would i linger long after the school bell have rung for the last lesson; just so as to hang out with friends and then reach home late and dead tired.
now, im contented with the friends i have, because its not the width, but the depth. after school, too, im okay with going home straight to wash up and do what i ought to; no longer feeling that if i do that i would be a pathetic loser with nowhere to go; because its not that i've nowhere to go, but that i choose to go home. no point going out just for the sake of going out, i reckon. when i listen to avril lavigne and linkin' park now, i dont get the urge to lock my door and turn the volume on full blast and scream along with it.
what mattered dont quite so matter that much now. yet some things are still important, and at least, right now, im clear what the most important thing ought to be for me=)
icy fingers playing piano on my skin - 5:30 AM
grace chen
14 october 86
ntu
communication studies
long bus-rides
thinking of the what-ifs
the occasional alcohol
music