suddenly this longing surfaces. the longing you know has always been there but has been discreetly trying to supress it. ah. its just that irresistable desire. its not so much of a desperate want, or need; but just that sweet melancholy of what once was, and the wistfulness at what is to come.
nothing much to blog about nowadays. life just revolves around school, and the pile of workload, the thought of A levels, schoolmates and how any free time is spent slacking but with a nagging thought at the back of your head that it shouldnt really be spent slacking.
somehow you know the crack is there. obvious but subtle. delicately hidden from sight but raw for all to feel. touch it and you jerk back in pain. so you just leave it there, hoping time heals all wounds but some wounds get worse with time. some wounds need that nursing back to recovery, or at least, the effort put in to mend it. apparently the crack now is too large to be cemented. there's that awkwardness, that i-dont-want-to-feel-this-way-but-somehow-i-am feeling gnawing at your insides. and only when you get far away do you gasp out for breath, desperately grateful for that respite of fresh air.
trivial things mean a great deal to me.
like saying goodbye eye-to-eye after hanging out with someone.
or even saying goodbye at all.
making small-talk.
that awkward silence in betweens.
the waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and thanking God its another day.
the affectionate gesture of a friend.
the simple smile, or wink, or nod of acknowledgement.
the melodious sound of music; how my emotions get swayed so easily by the rhythm and tempo of songs.
watching Killer Waves and getting emotional and cry.
walking in a crowd and saying hi to people i know -
all these means so much to me.
and the crack that is there, affects me.
im sentimental, but i know when to move on. i know the best solution is to leave it as it is and not to probe further, because that'll just add salt to the wound.
and after all that is said and done, i thank God still for this life that im living. for the friends who understand tremendously. for waking up in the morning still well and able. for looking good when i put the effort to. for hanging out with friends and having heart-felt talks. for the meals at pastamania.
and for being who i am, even though sometimes its so hard =)
icy fingers playing piano on my skin - 3:06 PM
grace chen
14 october 86
ntu
communication studies
long bus-rides
thinking of the what-ifs
the occasional alcohol
music