thistle;

Friday, January 21, 2005

okkayy i feel sad now i dont know why. moodswings. its depressing when you're not happy over certain matters and at the same time you know that its near impossible to change it. certain things just are there and you have to accept it, whether for a short period of time or for a year or two. and i hate not being myself in situations but its either the people around you or just the lack of something intelligent to say that makes me feel that way. i know the way i work and what ticks for me and i dont like to feel any other way than i should. and i havent felt that way in a long time so when it hit me it felt especially worse than it really should. i dont even know if i'm not being myself because i dont even know what being myself exactly consists of. who really knows who they really are, anyway. the facade you put on when presenting yourself to others and what really goes on inside can be two different realities. most of the time i am myself, whether people can stand it or not. haha. but at other times i feel repressed like i should not and can not behave the way i normally am and that seriously sux. and that will indirectly cause me to dislike people who make me feel that way. like, why should i suppress myself because of you? i dont know and i want to change that. i dont want to feel that way around you anymore. and as i look back at the way things progress, i know it may partly be fault on my part and the fact that i didnt do anything to retrieve what was left of my originality around you before it slipped into what it is right now. i dont know why i am bothered because i only feel this way here. not elsewhere. not anywhere. and i know maybe i shouldnt give a damn about it since elsewhere i am happy being what i am but thing is i'm not gonna be here for just a short period of time. and i dont wanna make myself miserable for the remaining time left.

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right now actually i'm pleased with my life other than this because friends are rocking my world and i so adore jc life. other than the workload, of course. which reminds me i havent been doing much lately other than three math questions and i still went to catch elektra today with og peeps :) today is gene's bdae and he finally turns seventeen! okay la i have to say that as much as i enjoy the company of my ogms i so dont want to get too emotionally attached because if they ever leave tpjc after first three months its gonna get so freakin' tough for me to get used to not having them around, y'knoe what i mean? but seriously, they rock laa. i dont ever regret being an ogl. ahh well. theres still capella bbq to look forward to this saturday :D

anywayy elektra was good laa. like spiderman 2, elektra had emotional issues to deal with and the whole show's tipped towards the darker side. good show, if i may say so. hehs.

okkayy actuallyy the conflict inside of me right now is really minor i just need to take time away to think and maybe come up with some solution or another and just have more confidence, probablyy. yupp. gonna go shopping with pris tomorrow at bugis! yayness. followed by going loyang point to get the bbq stuff with the ogls. the weekend's kind of packed but as i said before, i love getting busy :)

icy fingers playing piano on my skin - 3:10 PM